we held a meeting at citos, to discussed our anyer plan. ari came along, and he noticed that my name was written down, on 'who's going to' list. he seemed fine, until we walked to the car. he went very quiet.

ternyata, he was rather worried about my drinking. basically, i have no problem with drinking. so i told him, that i'm not the kind of person who go out to look for a chance to drink and get myself drunk. i drink when i wanted to. and i know when to stop. i drink responsibly. it's a personal commitment to myself. not to him, to to anyone else.

his words still makes me think. i wonder what are his perception over me. is it that bad? i wonder.

"when i'm feeling someone watching me, and so i raised my head."
- tom's diner, suzanne vega

i've read tista's blog again today. read his replies. and somehow i feel ashamed of myself. looks like i dont have the same spirit like he does. he's designated to change his situation, to turn it around no matter what people've said over the time. ok, maybe stumbling blocks come upon here and there, but his fighting will overwhelms me with gratitude and shame. i shouldnt complain, i still have better things and live in a comfort zone, compared to him. until now, i'm not ready to leave it, and actually live my life. i've told myself that there's always my family problems and mom to blame for this, but i was wrong all along. i made the situations, and i've felt the warm too much to face the real chill.


i talked to them, like tista and yumma, to ignore their surroundings and just go and experienced the world. checked out from jakarta, and go abroad. but look who's still here?! look who's still far way back?! me. i know i should've done it from the first place, when mom gave the chance. i was too afraid to loose my friends, to leave my world. i'll have another chance, that is to go to bali. but again, meeting ari change and put me right back where i am now [which i never actually leave]. knowing that he broke up with ayu due to their long distance relationship makes me putting myself in a cautious position. again, i'm bounded to ... [actually] nothing.

so here i am now. thinking ... thinking ... thinking... 'till when?

"good morning baby, i hope i'm gonna make it through another day."
- bic runga & dan wilson

after weeks and weeks of living a relationship of invisibility, the truth has finally emerged to the surface. one step at a time. his friends started to know about him not dating again. next stop: me. sometimes, this insecure feeling come up and tell me that i'm not the right one for him. i feel for the first time, under the shadow of his ex, and add some friendster pages, it all equals unworthiness and jealousy. absolutely lame! and i hate it :)

we went out today, and i'm so happy that he picked me up at the office. after busting myself on work, meeting him afterwards really boost me up. how God has given me blessing through attentions that he gave me.

cant get that janet jackson song out of my head for the past few days.. 'someone to call my lover'. fun, dancy, absolutely gives a happy and upbeat feeling. i guess that's what i've been having lately. everything felt so good. so right. maybe not perfect, but hey.. i'm a quite sensible person. when it reaches the level perfect, then i may not gonna write silly ramblings here.

yesterday we went for dinner at prosteak, and it hit me that i do love race cars. full modification ones. i dont like the ones at indo, but i love fast and furious. so the question is. do i really hate modifs cars? I DONT KNOW!! tapi selama ini gw selalu nyela mobil2 smacam itu di indo. antara gengsi ato entah apa, i told him that i do like fast and furious but hated when spot one of those kind of cars di jalanan jakarta. agak gak nyambung memang..

right now, thinking about changing my wallpaper jadi gambarnya the muppets! oh how i adore those silly muppets waktu masih sd! bahkan satu2nya stiker yg tertempel di lemari rumah bandung itu, stiker the muppets! uhuhu. their movies are must haves!!! should put them on my list! :D

today.. pergi nonton and ended it with sushi di sagalaya. uhuhuhu it's a perfect monday. blm lagi udah gereja pagi2. :) love it.

akhirnya, i'm free. setelah berminggu2, bahkan berbulan2 berkutat sama yang namanya assignments, final tests, and essays. it's finally over. phew! if i have to recap what i've done along those days, hmm bahkan ceritain lagi bakalan berasa capeknya bukan main! it's like non-stop viewing the comp's screen, online all the time, typing, writing, thinking! it's like making love to the machine..!! awfully crazy. but nahhh.. wont make love to it. got no feeling! hahahaah. hmm let's not get this too personal, shall we..

went out with dino today, wine tasting! the wines tastes so good, and the experience of learning more about wine is overwhelming. it's like playing golf. all it takes to get the full of it is patience, good memory, and personal enjoyment. absolutely haven in its own term.

i'm even thinking of quite drinking spirits and move to wine instead :)

anyway... my step dad got hit today. dont know how he is right now. hopefully ok. not to mention my uncle who's having a big fight with his wife. causing their son to get in the middle of the fight as the object, and got him to a hospital in the end.

still related to the matter, i chatted with dino, and discussed about marriage. how it so.. unpredictable, it gives no guarantee. my faith towards it starts to weary.

Joey Adams said, "Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

lately, i've been tuning on some of the worst conversation ever. i said worse, since i dont think i should listen to every line there is. oh yes, that big M word, MARRIAGE. my family doesn't believe in this institution of bonding two person eternally. for them, it's just another step to lose the love they once had. and based on so many experience of divorce and affairs there is, i'm starting to lose my faith in it as well. can't somebody just be together without legally bonding themselves?